the Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly Apparel Bazaar

Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly, October 2008back to archive

- Our Press / In the News section debuts this month. See for yourself all the nice things the media has said/written about our salsa-splattered crusade over the years.

- There's another Slab Scrum on the way in November, and you can't do a thing to stop it. Check the official Scrum page for a detailed rundown of the 2008 field, inessential commentary by our Great Mustache Insider, and hype! hype! hype! So much hype.

- And in case you've ever pined to own a chocolate brown T-shirt with a handsome, curly mustache in the middle of the chest, you're about to be in luck: New Burritoeater shirts are on the way. In the meantime, visit our Apparel Bazaar for pre-holiday pricing on old favorites. Or just wait until our new styles and colors -- long-sleeve, sleeveless, and ringer tees -- become available later this autumn. (Uh huh: sleeveless.)

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Bite. Chew. Mull. singles solidly to left field.

Dear Beano bounces sluggishly into a 4-6-3 double play.

Obstinate Reader Commentary rifles a triple to right center.

(epilogue) inexplicably bunts foul for a third strike and is immediately benched.

Pull up a food.

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Add Another Ten Clumps of Burrito Foil to the Pile

Back on the San Francisco taqueria beat after an August that saw only two burrito-eating visits all month, our recharged judges panel navigated a beany minefield of seven- and eight-something mustache efforts throughout September. Nothing hall of fame-worthy or abominable to report -- just several winners (El Farolito and La Playa, chiefly), a handful of shrug-inducers (the new Vallarta in the Excelsior, Taco Del Mar, a couple others), and some mild disappointments (Shotwell's Tonayense truck, La Iguana Azul, etc. etc). Sure, the absolute best burritos often coax the warmest copy out of our Editorial team, but once the 2008 Slab Scrum hits your living room's big ol' plasma TV later this fall, you'll be swimming in so much effusiveness and superlativity that you may start to miss Burritoeater's faceless-burrito days of September.

TAQ. EL GALLO GIRO (Mission), 9/2/2008, Super al Pastor: 7.25 mustaches
Next time you need a chorizo stunt-double for your low budget film, head to El Gallo Giro and order an al pastor.

TAQ. EL FAROLITO (Excelsior), 9/5/2008, Super Pollo Asado: 8.50 mustaches
The Excelsior strikes again. Also: onions! Slab of the Month, September 2008.

TACOS EL TONAYENSE (Shotwell) (Mission), 9/8/2008, Super Vegetarian: 7.45 mustaches
If there’s a burrito diet plate to be found in San Francisco, this well could have been it.

TAQ. VALLARTA (Excelsior), 9/10/2008, Super Pollo Asado: 7.50 mustaches
Friendly Mr. Slabmaker Fella behind Vallarta’s counter didn’t shoehorn too many shreds of cheese into his oblong handiwork, and that hurt us real bad.

LA PALMA MEXICATESSEN (Mission), 9/13/2008, Super Chile Colorado Beef: 8.00 mustaches
Our panel’s taste buds were awash in a meaty sea of warm reds and rich browns. It's better than it sounds, take our word for it.

TAQ. ZORRO (North Beach), 9/16/2008, Super al Pastor: 7.42 mustaches
Despite our request to the contrary, spice remained fully corrigible throughout. Spanish rice included yellow corn kernels and green peas -- colorful!

TACO DEL MAR (2nd St.) (South of Market), 9/18/2008, Super Braised Chicken: 7.50 mustaches
Lousy ingredient integration resulted in off-putting temperature dips, embarrassing patches of unmelted cheese, and frowns.

TAQ. LA IGUANA AZUL (Crocker-Amazon), 9/21/2008, Super Pollo Asado: 7.17 mustaches
Rice was either “enhanced” by saffron, or perhaps simply contained a whole block of butter. And this just in about La Iguana Azul’s refried beans: not real tasty.

LA PLAYA TAQ. (Outer Sunset), 9/23/2008, Super Pollo Rojo: 8.25 mustaches
San Francisco's westernmost taqueria smashed through our eight-mustache barrier for the second time in a row.

TAQ. EL CASTILLITO (Mission), 9/26/2008, Super Pollo: 8.08 mustaches
Taqueria: rad. Burrito: kinda.

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Separate the Truth From the Satire - Win a Side of Guac!

Someone remarked recently that assembling this feature each month must be like shooting fish in a barrel. Only in this case, the fish are burritos, and the burritos aren't swimming. They're just floating there. And why would anyone shoot a burrito? Needless to say, we don't agree too much with that whole fish-in-a-barrel simile.

Join our lively monthly discussion by sending your queries to There's currently no participation fee, although if Washington gets its way with that crazy charge-for-emailing bill that's circulating around the Congress floor....

Dear Beano: I think there's a need to rate tacos and burritos (and maybe quesadillas) at each taqueria, and provide an individual score for each -- as well a combined score.
Dear Apocalypse reader: Well, OK. But you must realize that your plan will severely compromise our panel's burrito-eating resources. What happens to those jobs then? Who's eating those lost burritos? Do we just outsource these duties to Bahrain? Denmark? Review my voting record and you'll find that, unlike my opponent, I have consistently supported measures to stabilize and strengthen the American workforce through taqueria proliferation. I have a responsibility to look after my constituents' best interests, rather than the special interests of these corrupt taco and quesadilla industries in our midst. Vote Beano in '08!

Dear Beano: Steaming a tortilla leads to gumminess. Grilling one does not.
Dear Apocalypse reader: Then we agree. Ever consider a career in burrito tech-writing?

Dear Beano: I'd like to find out where some of the photos on Burritoeater's homepage come from. I am especially fond of the Crispy Taco and the Quesadilla Suiza Dancers, and would love to buy a print or take my own photo. Were these taken in San Francisco?
Dear Apocalypse reader: We just hired the Quesadilla Suiza Dancers for our last hoohaw here at Burritoeater Towers (Urban Dance Squad were on tour with Wilson Phillips and unavailable for our event) -- terrific entertainment, but I suppose that's beside the point. All those photos of sash-wearing Mexican entrees were taken several years ago at the Mission taqueria formerly known as Salsa Taq.; the place has since been reinvented as El Paraiso, and sadly, the folk-art muralwork no longer adorns its outside walls. These days, our favorite taqueria mural is just inside the front door at Taq. El Gran Taco Loco on Mission St. -- it features a mustachioed, hat-clad bandit-jalapeño chasing a bespectacled, grimacing crispy taco; the renegade vegetable boasts a remarkably prominent stem and brandishes a firearm. Keep refreshing our homepage and it'll eventually crop up.

Dear Beano: Tickets to a musical in last month's Apocalypse? I thought this was, not
Dear Apocalypse reader: What's your problem, groucho? You never just randomly break out into song and go into a choreographed dance in the street? The hills are alive.

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Wherein You, Valued Reader, Assume Center Stage for One or Maybe Even Two Sentences

Get it done, people. Make it happen. Get your boots on. Get your motor running. Put the twisser to the slammer. Etc. etc.

Then when you're done with all that silliness, look inward and confess to us your innermost thoughts on San Francisco taquerias:

(Comments may be edited for spelling, clarity, and/or brevity at our editorial staff's discretion.)

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"To hell with La Taqueria - maybe it's impressive to Iowa and the tacos are alright, but so what? That place is for the Chipotle set. I'd rather go to Taq. San Jose on Mission."

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"Dark horse candidate of the year: Taq. Chile Verde. Exceptional pollo asado. Never mind the occasional junkie nodding off on the front step."

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"It's about time you guys came around to Taq. Can-cún's brilliance. I've enjoyed your site since the week it launched, but always used to be dismayed at your long-standing dismissal of what I think is one of San Francisco's justifiably famous taquerias."
(And it's a 2008 Slab Scrum invitee. You're stoked. -Ed.)

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Please forward freely, yet responsibly.

Newsletter subscription addition/removal requests, questions, comments, and/or anecdotes always welcome:

Kindly direct news of taqueria openings, closures, or name-changes here:

Finish your burrito!

Now for this month's hidden bonus track, as initially featured in select copies of our October Blargh.

The Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly,, and The Great Mustache logo are brought to you by The Exploding Head Trick Publishing Co.

Yours, in delicious horchata,