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Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly, April 2006back to archive

It was a very fine month for burritos in San Francisco. One of the finest ever. Bite. Chew. Mull. chronicles our March slab-hunting around town.

Uncle Grumps holds court at the taqueria lunch counter in Dear Beano.

Remember, only you can provide obstinance. Otherwise, our brand-name Obstinate User Commentary is just a bunch of generic, faceless chatter.

This Month in Extreme Taqueria / Skate Culture Cross-Marketing provides a thinly veiled glimpse into our world of grumbling provincialism and ironically ham-handed spelling.

It's time for another raucous (epilogue) house party. Bring your own lampshade.

Pull up a food.

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Study: Obscene Amounts of March Rain Beget Strong Citywide Taqueria Performance

It's clearly a great month for our panel of judge-doofuses when 13 burritos get run through Burritoeater's mustachioed mill, and not a one lags. Not that there weren't one or two slightly disappointing results around our dry and balmy town last month, but an average OMR (Overall Mustache rating) of 8.06 for the month speaks to a bounty of quality.

Tacos El Tonayense (Harrison/22nd St. edition) and Taq. La Tambora were the biggest glory-hogs, while we expected greater things from Taq. El Jalapeño and, despite adverse public opinion, Ocean Taq. on Divisadero. San Vicente and all-vegetarian/vegan/organic Donna's made their Burritoeater debuts. And nobody moved. And nobody got hurt.

TAQ. EL CASTILLITO (Mission), 3/1/06, Super Carnitas: 8.42 Mustaches
The hot streak continues, and the scofflaws never seem to vacate.

TACOS EL TONAYENSE (Harrison/22nd St.) (Mission), 3/3/06, Super Pollo Asado: 8.75 Mustaches
Fierce sauce-fire propelled some already nicely seasoned chicken further into the mustachosphere.

TAQ. EL JALAPEÑO (Ingleside), 3/6/06, Super Carne Asada: 7.58 Mustaches
And on the ninth bite: guacamole.

TAQ. EL FADI (Excelsior), 3/9/06, Super Chile Verde Pork: 8.17 Mustaches
El Fadi's burritowork merits inclusion in San Francisco's ultra-select over-eight-mustaches-and-under-five-dollars posse.

TAQ. EL GALLO GIRO (Mission), 3/11/06, Super Carne Asada: 8.42 Mustaches
Consider how extraordinary this burrito could have been had the folks in the truck added some vegetables to it.

TAQ. LA TAMBORA (Mission Terrace), 3/13/06, Super al Pastor: 8.67 Mustaches
Any rundown of this burrito’s scorecard demands some of that old-time trumpet fanfare accompaniment.

CUCO’S (Lower Haight), 3/16/06, Super Carnitas: 8.08 Mustaches
This slab's monstrous girth demanded not only three bites (one more than the usual two) to ford its widemouth cross-section, but an equal number of italicized moments in this sentence.

OCEAN TAQ. (Western Addition), 3/19/06, Super Pollo Asado Fajitas: 7.67 Mustaches
Color us perplexed.

DONNA’S (Financial District), 3/21/06, Breakfast: 7.80 Mustaches
Meatless, spice-free, wee...and completely delicious.

SAN VICENTE (Mission), 3/24/06, Super Carnitas: 7.17 Mustaches
Despite some awkward moments, the San Vicente slab managed to keep it respectable.

TACO DEL MAR (2nd St.) (South of Market), 3/26/06, Super Shredded Beef: 7.83 Mustaches
Neither light nor lithe.

LOS HERMANOS (Marina), 3/29/06, Super Grilled Chicken: 7.83 Mustaches
Los Hermanos’ bizarre saffron rice fixation continues to baffle us, but it’s hard to get too riled up over a 7.83-mustache burrito.

LA SALSA (Financial District), 3/31/06, Grande Sirloin Steak: 8.33 Mustaches
One of the most overachieving efforts on Burritoeater record.

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Expect Much Scoffing

Our hometown taqueria sage, Beano Cook, isn't getting any younger. First, the shingles. Now he's signed on to be a part of a new surgical study at UCSF, and while the details are top-secret, it apparently has something to do with him getting a fresh set of taste buds installed. Perhaps this explains the "coriander burrito in a zesty oyster reduction" he claimed he had somewhere on 24th St. a couple of months ago.

Hammer him with your yammer at He likes that.

Dear Beano: My friend and I recently saw a biker with "vegan" written on the back of his biking shorts. We thought we could have shorts with a mustache on the back and "Eat a Burrito" written on the jersey. Would you sponsor us?
Dear Apocalypse reader: Team Burritoeater Cycling - it’s got a nice ring to it. But would you and your pal be OK riding in Jams? If so, let's negotiate.

Dear Beano: I read recently where someone called you a "low-brow gourmand." How does that make you feel?
Dear Apocalypse reader: Doesn’t bother me. When someone calls me “Hilda,” or “Jim Zorn,” that bothers me. And my longtime friend Dick Beverage, whom I’ve been having weekly Mexican seafood lunches for 45 years, likes to get under my skin on occasion by calling me Ol’ Mumbles. But “low-brow”? Fine.

Dear Beano: Saw Band of Horses the other night. They were good, despite the sound mix being absolutely horrendous. The singer couldn't hear his vocals, so during the last song he just threw his mic stand down and sang full-bore without any amplification. I hit Can-cún afterwards. My burrito wasn't working for me, so I yelled at the taquerista and threw it down.
Dear Apocalypse reader: This confirms my prima-donna trickle-down theory.

Dear Beano: You ordered the WRONG thing.
Dear Apocalypse reader: What was I supposed to do, Dick, get the clams? I didn’t want clams that day. I wanted scampi.

Dear Beano: Did you see that Papalote was voted as having one of the “Top 20 Nachos in the U.S." by The Wall Street Journal?
Dear Apocalypse reader: Well, alright. The folks at Papalote deserve any accolades thrown their way. By the way, check the Burritoeater Blargh later this year for our lists of the Top 10 Football Hooligan Pubs in Stoke-on-Trent, and the Top 3 Libyan Stage Interpretations of My Fair Lady.

Dear Beano: Thanks for the Web site. I've been eating burritos in SF for over 30 years now, and I'm happy to see you have many of the same favorites that I do.
Dear Apocalypse reader: Everybody loves a happy ending.

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Break Out the Horse Tranquilizers

In Lexington, Ky., they debate whether Chipotle or Qdoba produces the best burrito in town. That's pretty funny.

(Comments may be edited for spelling, clarity, and/or brevity at our discretion.)

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"I'm a carnitas aficionado, and I don't buy into the La Taqueria hype. Try the carnitas at Taq. El Balazo."

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"I just moved to the Richmond and was craving something beside Chinese food. So, I found Gordo Taq. There are two locations within four or five blocks of each other, and lines out the door, so it must be great. So, I pulled up to the counter and ordered a super carne asada. I watched them grill the tortilla. My stomach started to get excited. Then the pinto beans. Drip, drop, my mouth watered. Then the cheese. The guy proceeded to peel a white Velveeta-looking slice from a piece of paper. What? That's OK, it still could have be good. Then the meat, from a vat. What? Not grilled? That was it, my hopes were dashed. I knew it would be disappointing. And it was. I don't understand the eight-something you guys gave them."
(The only Gordo shop currently sporting an OMR over 8.00 on Burritoeater is the Inner Sunset location, where we had an 8.75-mustache monster last November. -Ed.)

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"Thanks to the feature in Sunday's Chronicle Magazine, we tried Taq. San Francisco. Best burrito ever, a true find! Tastiest carne asada I've had. I'll have to make our way through their burrito list."

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More Purposely Misspelled Words in a Headline You Shall Never Find

A associate who doubles as a skater pointed us to Bucky's Burritos, a recently opened "food and entertainment destination" in Newburyport, Mass. We've been scratching our heads ever since.

While we enjoy a good online "jigzaw" puzzle as much as anyone else, we have to wonder about the long-term viability of a blue crab / black olive / cabbage burrito in the national taqueria marketplace. But perhaps we're way off-base, and what the world really needs right now are PB & J w/ banana burritos for all the groms.

Give Bucky's credit, however, for providing an accurate definition of the "burrito bowl" on their menu: it's a salad. And "switch tacos"? Awesome.

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The Apocalypse will always be a Quinn Martin production. No, Todd, not Quinn Buckner. Quinn Martin.

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Yours, in delicious horchata,