Swish: size (10); burstage abatement (10); vegetables (8); temperature (8)
Shrug: tortilla (7); rice (7); beans (7); cheese (7); spiciness (6); ingredient mix (6)
Clang: sauciness (5)
Intangibility bonus: 1 (of 2)

Good grief, what a slog. Aside from the forest green chile pepper centerpiece and a few other token ingredients, El Balazo’s kitchen foisted a rice sandwich of sorts upon us, and the ratings result was decidedly un-Balazo-like. As it should in any chile relleno slab, cheese played a crucial role here, but while the panela cheese inside the chile came off mozzarella-ish, the jack/cheddar blend littering other areas within the ordinary, steamed tortilla should have been better melted. Distant hints of spice popped up quietly, but compared to a few past experiences here, this burrito’s pepper-fire factor lagged some. Meanwhile, the capable refried beans were simply overmatched by the endless parade of Spanish rice grains that, while delicious in their pea/carrot-inclusive glory, didn’t need to hog so much damn space or soak up so much of the salsa. Did we mention this girthsome burrito lasted 23 bites? And have we ever mentioned our panel takes large bites? Oomph. Nice chile pepper, though.

Swish: size (9); rice (9); beans (9); vegetables (9); sauciness (9); burstage abatement (9); tortilla (8); meat (8); spiciness (8)
Shrug: ingredient mix (7); cheese (6); temperature (6)
Clang: no elements clanged
Intangibility bonus: 1 (of 2)

In spite of ongoing temperature issues that did their damndest to undermine this burrito’s ambition, the mustache rating – as it invariably does at this venerable El Balazo shop – remained virtually the same. Still, we had no choice but to reduce the intangibility bonus by a mustache, a telling sign considering this slab delivered a flurry of eights and nines elsewhere on our scoresheet. The hits kept coming: refrieds that served as poster-beans for delicious mush; the usual moist, vegetable-pelted rice; sharply seasoned chunks of broiled chicken, and plenty of it; exceptional guacamole and pico de gallo; and, the kind of sauciness that makes a judges panel say, Hey, that’s some tasty sauce. The vaguely melted cheese was a direct result of all the unfortunate temperature trouble, but to tell the truth, we’ve endured worse. If this one arrives fully heated, it’s in the vaunted 8.50-mustache range. If only.

Nearly as squishy as a new roll of Charmin – albeit much, much more delicious, and without all that dry, troublesome fiber – this classically sized dinner dirigible delivered a salvo of exceptional ingredients, intelligently packaged and sharply mixed. Given all the capacious desebrada that drowned several reasonably sizable chunks of beef, sauciness here couldn’t help but ring up the maximum ten mustaches. El Balazo’s rich ranchero concoction also helped raise our spice hackles, along with the hot sauce and occasional jalapeño bit in the pico de gallo. Meanwhile, at center stage, that beef made it happen all slab long, its moistness and subtle flavor nudging along bite after real tasty bite. The rice was as nicely pea/carrot-spackled as ever, and while the refried beans got a little lost in the glurg, we recognized their valuable contribution to all the wondrous sloppery within the pre-grilled tortilla. A few external sauce bleeds proved harmless, and the dastardly lever of cold bites was never thrown; hallelujah for that. Overall, misgivings here were minimal, though we did struggle with some merely mid-melted shards of jack at certain points. But when a taqueria mascot is as bad-ass as El Balazo’s, we quash our marginal grousing.

Always long and slender here. Peas in the rice, and that's okay. Cilantro, pico de gallo, and onion noticeably absent. Chewy tortilla. Is is that tough to grill a tortilla? Other than that, full speed ahead on all fronts.

Near-exceptional piece of work undercut somewhat by delicious-looking, yet drab-tasting onion/red pepper-peppered steak. Porn star length and exceptional sauciness.