the Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly Apparel Bazaar

2012 Slab Scrum
December 7

A New Champ Is Crowned, Then Shown The Door

And so, it came to this: One civic legend on a major hot streak this year, but possessing a less-than-glorious Scrum history (Taq. Can-cún), versus one low-profile monster with a third-place finish in our 2010 Scrum flare-up (La Laguna Taq.). Mano-a-mano. Taqueria-a-taqueria. Slab-a-slab.

And the winner is...

1. Taq. Can-cún (Mission/Valencia)
December 5: 8.42 mustaches

2. La Laguna Taq.
December 3: 8.33 mustaches

Not exactly an epic battle of Hall of Fame-worthy burritos, but these things happen. Anyway, it still beats a jail-sentence week of chewing nothing but bilge from Chipotle and Rubio's.

Congratulations to the Taq. Can-cún crew at Mission/Valencia on their first Scrum title. Taq. Can-cún, alright.

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November 7-29

We Bite. We Chew. We Mull. We Learn. And We Endure.

Over the next few weeks, our panel of judge-stooges will visit eight of San Francisco's finest burritoterias, after which the top two taquerias shall advance to the Slab Scrum's championship round.

Why no semifinal round? Because semifinal rounds are for the birds and we don't like them. You can go stick your semifinal round.

The whole town's all a-titter over our big burrito hullaballoo.

1. Taq. Can-cún (Mission/Valencia)
November 25: 9.00 mustaches

2. La Laguna Taq.
November 14: 8.83 mustaches

3. Gordo Taq. (Clement St.)
November 29: 8.75 mustaches

3. Tacobar
November 27: 8.75 mustaches

5. La Espiga de Oro
November 7: 8.67 mustaches

6. Papalote (Western Addition)
November 11: 8.50 mustaches

7. Taq. San Francisco
November 17: 8.00 mustaches

8. Taq. El Farolito (Mission St.)
November 20: 7.92 mustaches

Burritos, alright.

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November 5

Yet Another Championship Inevitable for San Francisco

The question: Which of our city's most storied taquerias will walk away with 2012's Great Mustache? (Possible follow-up question: What in the hell is a Great Mustache?)

Well, we've got an even-numbered year on our hands, so there's only one way to deal with this situation. This calls for our semi-annual, ramshackle taqueria tournament of sorts: the Slab Scrum.

In our last Scrum two years ago, Papalote's Western Addition shop waylaid the competition with some of the highest-rated performances ever logged on Burritoeater record. Runner-up La Espiga de Oro, meanwhile, didn't exactly embarrass itself.

Now it's 2012, and Papalote and La Espiga de Oro join six other top-rank San Francisco burritoterias -- Scrum veterans Gordo Taq. (Clement St.), La Laguna Taq., El Farolito (Mission/24th), Taq. San Francisco, and Taq. Can-cún (Mission/Valencia), along with Scrum rookie Tacobar -- for our ultimate prize, the Great Mustache.

Eight taquerias, two (not three -- two) elimination rounds, one Great Mustache winner come December.

This year's Scrum field again, in convenient list form:

Papalote (Western Addition)
Mustache Chart ranking: 1
OMR: 8.91
Scrum performance history: Champ, 2012. (Its Mission sibling shop was a 2nd place finalist in both 2008 and 2006, and Scrum champ in 2004.)

La Espiga de Oro
Mustache Chart ranking: 5
OMR: 8.71
Scrum performance history: 2nd place finalist in 2010.

La Laguna Taq.
Mustache Chart ranking: 3
OMR: 8.79
Scrum performance history: 3rd place semifinalist in 2010.

Gordo Taq. (Clement St.)
Mustache Chart ranking: 2
OMR: 8.83
Scrum performance history: 4th place semifinalist in 2010. (Its Inner Sunset sibling shop was a 5th place quarterfinalist in 2008 and Scrum champ in 2006.)

Taq. El Farolito (Mission St.)
Mustache Chart ranking: 8
OMR: 8.56
Scrum performance history: 9th place quarterfinalist in 2010.

Taq. San Francisco
Mustache Chart ranking: 9
OMR: 8.53
Scrum performance history: 11th place quarterfinalist in 2010; 4th place semifinalist in 2008; 5th place quarterfinalist in 2006; 2nd place finalist in 2004.

Taq. Can-cún (Mission/Valencia)
Mustache Chart ranking: 13
OMR: 8.48
Scrum performance history: 8th place quarterfinalist in 2008.

Mustache Chart ranking: 4
OMR: 8.75
Scrum performance history: None.

Gentlemen/gentlewomen, start your kitchens.

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