Swish: tortilla (10); cheese (10); temperature (10); spiciness (9); rice (8); beans (8); ingredient mix (8); burstage abatement (8)
Shrug: size (7); vegetables (7); meat (6); sauciness (6)
Clang: no elements clanged
Intangibility bonus: 2 (of 2)

(So, we farmed out this review to promising fifth-grader April M. at Lawton Alternative in the Sunset. She drones on a bit, but hey, indulge the kid.)

Well, I didnt’ actually eat this buritto, because my dad doesn’t let me ride the train downtown yet with friends. He says maybe in a couple of years I can go. Anyways, I like burittos a lot and although I can never finish one at Gordos without my dad’s help I was glad the Burittoeater people said I could write one of their reviews. Its a honor. OK. They said this buritto was greasy, and that it was the pork’s fault. They said they had to use many many little cocktail napkins while eating it. They also said the refried beans were white, and that the guy who took their order was too! But they said the beans were ‘pretty tasty’ and ‘reasonably glurgy" (that’s what the notes they gave me say anyway, although I dont’ know what ‘glurgy’ means yet...maybe in sixth grade I’ll learn). Anyways, it was a very hot buritto...I think they mean the temperature, although the notes also say 'furious pepper-fire increased steadily throughout slab'. Slab, haha. I say that word every day now, so much it makes my older brother mad. Anyways, they also said the ingredient mix was really 'smoove'. I don’t think they spelled that word right in the notes, but sometimes I mispell words to so its OK. They also said it was kind of short, and that’s one of the reasons they let me write this they said, because I’m also short, although I guess I’m sort of tall for a fifth grade girl. Oh, this stuff looks important on the notes: 'lovingly grilled tortilla' and 'hecka thick guac' (it actually says something else but my dad will get mad if I write it) and 'hats off to scads of delicious, melted Oaxaca cheese'. I dont’ know what ‘glurgy’ means or what a scad is, and that kind of cheese just sounds weird, maybe its from hippies in Oregon or somewhere. I also dont’ know what ‘abaitment’ is, but it got eight moustaches. And two bonus moustaches for being a overall good buritto. Anyways, my teacher at Lawton said I would be the first published writer in her class ever and that I can read this review to the class once its published. The Burittoeater people said I’d be rich from my reviews by the time I make it to high school and that I could quit school and make a living off eating burittos all the time!

Swish: tortilla (10); cheese (10); spiciness (10); size (9); meat (9); rice (9); sauciness (9); temperature (9); burstage abatement (9); ingredient mix (8)
Shrug: beans (7)
Clang: vegetables (0)
Intangibility bonus: 2 (of 2)

With a gorgeously fragrant tortilla grilled to the point of flakiness, infernal spice, and rafts of fluffy-melted Oaxaca cheese all working the ten-mustache angle in its corner, Maya (Next Door) may well have entered its Heavyweight Contender phase with this hunky and delicious near-masterpiece. So why only 8.42 mustaches overall? Something about a complete absence of pico de gallo, onion, guacamole, avocado...in fact, name any vegetable – it was passed over during the construction of this burrito. Knocked down, but not out. The champ chicken was bathed eternally in a rich tinga sauce, which combined with some intense salsa roja to create the sort of spice-blaze that sends even the bravest tongues like ours fumbling for the nearest beverage. As for the oft scalding temperature of the slab, we actually had to knock a mustache off for it being too hot (only two previous burritos had earned such a strange distinction). Beans were refried and adequate, but strangely pale – they seemed to belong more to a pot of soup somewhere than our burrito, but they got it done. Rice was much more special: plump-grained, in love with the tinga sauce, and a total pleasure. We forgave the top-end sauce bleed since we only had to use one napkin throughout. The ingredient mix was sharp, even if it didn’t have to concern itself with any vegetables. And there was no arguing with this lunch’s intangible qualities. Next time, we’re requesting pico de gallo and avocado, and hoping for an equally fierce slab.

Sometimes, a fusillade of hot bites can raise a burrito’s profile by masking other shortcomings. Same goes for an immaculately grilled tortilla and a salvo of perfectly melted Oaxaca cheese. But even though each of these elements couldn’t have been any more overpowering here, this junior-size slab’s final rating was dragged down to an unspectacular level by its sorry paucity of vegetable content (tastily mushy avocado notwithstanding) and troubling ingredient mix, which featured more division than a seventh grade math class. Furthermore, Maya’s unique, pale-tinted brown beans seemed better suited for a tureen of Italian minestrone than a CalMex-slanted burrito – imagine miniature fava beans mingling with light brown rice. Spice lurked continually, while we found the chunky helping of carnitas tasty, though hardly world-beating. Sauciness was all business, and despite a little grease (likely stemming from the heavily fried pork) puncturing the nonpareil tortilla, overall construction was virtually without flaw. Even through its final bites, we expected this mini foodpiece’s final mustache rating to land among the high sevens. But this collection of superstars and duds could have used a few elemental workhorses in the mix.

An undersized, overpriced, and yet quite respectable burrito. The strangely wheaty – and ungrilled – tortilla cocooned flanks of just-above-average steak, slightly wonky-tasting beans, and a real dearth of sauciness. On the bright side: Nice guacamole, good veggie contents, much spice and melted cheese, and 100% hot bites. Flawless construction.