Swish: burstage abatement (10); size (9); temperature (9); sauciness (8)
Shrug: tortilla (7); beans (7); cheese (7); meat (6); rice (6); ingredient mix (6); vegetables (6)
Clang: spiciness (0)
Intangibility bonus: 1 (of 2)

Good grief, would even a vague hint of spice-kick have been too much to ask here? Apparently so. So what if it was amply sized, bust-proof, and devoid of cool bites? Between the complete fake-out grilled chicken — it looked terrific going into the burrito, all charred and dusted with seasoning before revealing itself to be utterly flavorless — and the total lack of fire on hand, this foiled (by request) effort was little more than an exercise in bite --> chew --> bland. It didn’t help that the ordinary Spanish rice clumped together all on one side and boxed out Mariachi’s legendary refried beans; it also didn’t help that sour cream somehow slipped into the tortilla, although to be fair, it didn’t roach the affair as much as those aforementioned clangs did. While we’re complaining, the overly saucy pico de gallo and overly creamy guacamole also set us wrong. Suggestion to Mariachi’s kitchen: tune your instruments.

Swish: burstage abatement (10); beans (9); ingredient mix (9); temperature (9); size (8); tortilla (8); meat (8); cheese (8); vegetables (8); sauciness (8)
Shrug: rice (7); spiciness (6)
Clang: no elements clanged
Intangibility bonus: 2 (of 2)

All we could really find fault with at Mariachi’s on Cinco de Mayo ’09 was moderately mushy brown rice, overly peripheral spiciness, and a continually occupied restroom. Otherwise, strong performances all around. The tender and liberally salted pork was a terrific centerpiece, although the true star of the show had to be the remarkably inclusive mix, ensuring most (if not all) elements contributed to damn near every bite. Keeping with Mariachi’s invariable pattern established over many years, the refried beans were in stellar, nine-mustache form, with plenty of melted grates of Jack cheese adding welcome goo to the delicious slop (tastes better than it sounds, assuredly). Cheers to the excellent guacamole, grilled tortilla, all that chopped onion, and the dummy-proof construction. Jeers? None here, not today.

Swish: beans (9); cheese (9); vegetables (9); temperature (9); size (8); rice (8); spiciness (8); ingredient mix (8); burstage abatement (8)
Shrug: tortilla (7); sauciness (7)
Clang: no elements clanged
Intangibility bonus: 2 (of 2)

Other burrito-judging panels maintain an ongoing aversion to cheesy bites. Not us! We relish the cheesy bites...they’re often the raddest bites of all. Mariachi’s super chile relleno slab came through nice and cheesy in the summer of ’07, with a handful of unmelted shards at the low end the only obstacle preventing a ten-mustache rating. Beyond that, the cheese-filled chile relleno was, itself, slathered in jack grates and salsa roja prior to hitting the tortilla, and we had no issue with that whatsoever. Mariachi’s glorious refried beans were typically on-point, and all veggie inclusions lived up to the hype – a smash of avocado would have ensured a perfect score. The jury was out on the rice at first, but its rustic flavor came into its own soon enough. Spice kept a certain level of pepper-heat on, and while the sauce could have used a bit of a thickening agent, it was nice and tasty all the same. Other than a minor separatist movement on the rice’s part, we observed and enjoyed this burrito’s graceful ingredient mix top to bottom. All told, 17 bites of real good eatin’.

Hopes weren’t too high as we watched this burrito take shape, particularly when parts of the outer wrap became sauce-sodden upon tortilla shutdown (just before our foil-wrap request was acknowledged). And while this somewhat dampened slab could have used a firm lesson in burstage abatement, the salient fact persevered: This was a mighty tasty burrito, better than its unremarkable 7.67-mustache rating indicates. Beans aren’t usually the focal point of our reviews, but we’d never awarded a perfect rating for any spoonful until this visit to Mariachi’s; we were so enamored, in fact, that we picked up an extra order afterward. Elsewhere, the saucy beef was spicy, delicious, and pull-apart-friendly, while the truly bullying spice (also a perfect 10) and Spanish rice were epic events in their own right. The ingredient mix certainly didn’t make any enemies, but the several shreds of unmelted cheese sure did. Mariachi’s displayed the ingredient cornerstones for an excellent food-blimp, yet stumbling blocks such as hesitant construction and middling temperature became increasingly evident throughout. Tasty, sure - but a little frustrating, even with the greatest refried beans in town.

Another baffling case of a burrito whose final merit came up far less than the sum of its ingredients. Nothing was seriously wrong, nor was anything particularly exceptional. But the coveted beach of intangible allure was nothing but a distant mirage over this burrito’s lusterless waters. (Not that this burrito was watery or anything, because it wasn’t.)