Swish: temperature (10); eggs (9); cheese (9); ingredient mix (9); meat (8); burstage abatement (8)
Shrug: vegetables (7); spiciness (7); size (6); tortilla (6)
Clang: sauciness (5)
Intangibility bonus: 1 (of 2)

Although this burrito’s extensive shrugs (and singular clang) ruled out Fountain Café’s usual eight-mustache rating, it had enough going for it – namely, the clean sweep of all-hot bites and the graceful manner in which the brilliantly cheese-slathered eggs, grilled new potatoes, and small chunks of sausage interacted - to where it still commanded a certain respect. But, too many drips and drabs sustained in the latter third contributed to the low sauciness rating, as well as to what eventually turned into an unmemorable, overly soggy tortilla. The pico de gallo was capable at best and included chopped onion, but the potatoes managed to accent, rather than dominate. The girth and intangibility that have characterized past AM scuds here, however, were sadly on leave.

Swish: temperature (10); tortilla (9); meat (9); eggs (9); burstage abatement (9) cheese (8); vegetables (8); ingredient mix (8)
Shrug: size (7); spiciness (7)
Clang: sauciness (3)
Intangibility bonus: 2 (of 2)

With this fireplug-in-burrito’s-clothing, Fountain Café outdid even its previous entries in our unofficial Squattiest Slab competition. Only a near-complete dearth of sauciness precluded it from ringing up a truly fearsome score on the mustache meter; otherwise, it was all thick-cut ham cubes, fluffy scrambled eggs, sizable chunks of grilled new potatoes, appreciably grilled tortilla, and hot bites galore. Surprising spice was provided by a number of evenly dispersed jalapeño slices, and other than the eggs being a little bunched toward the bottom, a slick ingredient mix ensured the presence of just about everything in each bite. Large slices of (mostly) melted cheddar contributed more positively that we initially expected, and there’s really no use in bemoaning the lack of sauce on hand here, since it wasn’t any kind of deal breaker.

Breakfast burritos such as this make us want to send fan mail to the cook-genius who first threw a bunch of bacon and eggs into a slew of tortillas for Grant’s troops that fateful morning at Omaha Beach back in 1776. Not even a dearth of sauciness could derail this eight-mustache express, for the folks behind the counter at this self-billed “corporate café” crafted an AM food-blimp that, although a little on the short side, sported plenty of bulk and heat (temperature and jalapeño-driven spice), shatterproof construction, and most notably, pummeling overall deliciousness. The abundant scrambled eggs were fluffy and cheese-slathered, the chunks of grilled potatoes brilliantly seasoned. Meanwhile, the chopped slices of delectable bacon had us harkening on back to those mammoth breakfast spreads on bracingly cold mornings spent up at our Uncle Butch’s Saskatchewan meat farm in the ‘40s. Save some strangely isolated and punchless pico de gallo, all ingredients were integrated with one another quite gracefully, and we’d be remiss to not mention the twin grated cheese varieties on hand (jack and cheddar, each mostly melted). Rarely is a Downtown AM food-blimp so patently enjoyable, and so filling at such a low price.

A hulking slab made all the more bulging by the chunks of potato therein. Sausage and eggs stood in where another meat variety and rice ordinarily would, while beans were absent and unmissed at this early hour. Surprisingly well-spiced, and hot as Hades in August. The tortilla was completely ordinary and there were major burstage concerns throughout – it was almost too bulky for its own good – but we still loved it, although it may be hard to tell from the final rating.