Swish: size (9); vegetables (9); sauciness (9); spiciness (9); tortilla (8); meat (8); beans (8); burstage abatement (8)
Shrug: ingredient mix (7); temperature (7); rice (6)
Clang: cheese (5)
Intangibility bonus: 1 (of 2)

Had this humongous burrito not fallen victim to the scourge of semi-melted / semi-relevant grated jack cheese, it would have crested our eight-mustache Mendoza Line, and that would have been an unlikely and impressive achievement. Mildly irritating burstage issues such as beany seep and saucy soak-through notwithstanding - more napkins, Carmelina, please – we liked certain things about this burrito’s look, such as its considerable length and heft. As for the most crucial factor – taste – it fared pretty well, particularly the pre-grilled tortilla and generous vegetable contingent, which drew upon the power of tomato-speckled guacamole, chopped onion and cilantro, and much pico de gallo. Meanwhile, Carmelina’s shredded chicken was dunked in salsa roja and accompanied by green pepper and tomato, so we had sauce coming at us from all kinds of angles; fortunately, drips were minimal, even if the tortilla’s exterior didn’t stay dry. The micro-grain rice was bland, overabundant, and the opposite of spectacular. Spice remained mighty persistent throughout, but everyone knows spice-heat doesn’t necessarily translate to temperature-heat - and this burrito should have been hotter all around.

A few spoonfuls of superlative chicken molé helped save UCSF’s burrito counter from the six-mustache sadness it earned a few years back. And while this was a fair improvement over our prior visit, the Carmelina’s crew still has some important things to learn when it comes to crafting a seamlessly mixed, fully heated food-blimp. Sizing was no issue here – length, heft, and mild girth were all present and accounted for – we found the veggie salvo to our liking, and combustible spice reared up in every bite. So, all that was good. But from the moment we picked this burrito up, we feared its hind end – not only for its forebodingly cool temperature, but for the fact that the tortilla wasn’t shut. Boo, and boo again. Further Bronx cheers: the cheese was melted to varying degrees of success throughout, there was nothing special about the steamed tortilla, and we already mentioned the somewhat disgruntling ingredient integration, didn’t we? The brown rice and refried beans were mostly successful (if segregated from everything else), and on an elemental level, everything tasted mighty fine - especially the richly sauced chicken molé.

Although it was lengthier than certain college commencement speeches, a flurry of unwarm bites betrayed the meter-rattling spice and tight wrap. Unmelted cheese and unwanted lettuce will do that to a burrito.