Swish: beans (10); burstage abatement (10); cheese (9); ingredient mix (9); temperature (9); eggs (8); vegetables (8)
Shrug: size (7); tortilla (7); meat (6); spiciness (6)
Clang: sauciness (4)
Intangibility bonus: 1 (of 2)

Can a burrito’s mix be too successful in its quest to integrate ingredients? Rarely, but...yes. El Beach Burrito’s recipe for an AM slab demands an all-in grilling of chorizo, fried egg, roasted potato, onion, cheddar, and jack, and while there was no denying the seamlessness of the ensemble, the experience was not unlike what smoking jacket-clad music types mean when they prattle on from their premium audio-wired houses of the holy about “the need for separation of instruments” and the like. The charry chorizo’s ultralow profile didn’t help the issue of facelessness – we’re accustomed to meat being a major player in our breakfast burritos – but...good grief, now it looks like we’re grousing about a nine-mustache ingredient mix, so we’ll cut it short. Elsewhere within the medley, the rather tart guacamole jumped out of the taste spectrum way more than we’re used to, but the layer of flawless, Slabby-worthy refried beans distracted us every time they reared on up, which fortunately was pretty often. And we liked those potato chunks, so just back off about that, alright? Finally, we’d be remiss if we missed the opportunity to wrap this review by employing one of our favorite off-target phrases: Saucity? Paucity.

This after-dark visit to Slabland-by-the-Sea was undercut by awkward-tasting refried pinto beans, spice that had long since set with the sun over the Pacific horizon, and jarring temperature shifts only a Chicago meteorologist could appreciate. Lengthy enough, yet a bit on the slender side, this burrito never caught the right wave, its ineffectual guacamole and mostly unmelted combination of grated jack and cheddar ensuring it would never even escape the surf-awaiting lineup. Other ingredients cradled within El Beach Burrito’s adequate (steamed, not grilled) tortilla: a competent scoopful or two of rice, some very nice roasted chipotle sauce and pico de gallo, and a set of well-peppered chicken chunks that came off as serviceable, if tame. In its brief defense, this burrito’s ingredient mix danced the respectable seven-mustache shuffle, and the whole thing was infallibly constructed. When the land shark of temperature inconsistency starts attacking everything within chomping distance, however, it’s a good bet that any sort of intangibility bonus is completely out of the question.

Hunky, but only mildy dory - nothing else remarkable to report here. And yet aside from an overly chewy (steamed) tortilla, nothing embarrassing either. Be sure to request an additional steamer stint, unless you enjoy lukewarm bites. Did we mention the rad murals here?