the Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly Apparel Bazaar

Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly, May 2006back to archive

Bite. Chew. Mull. It's our history, people. Learn about it.

Our taqueria sage had an unfortunate run-in with some mercury-laced fish sticks a few weeks back, so he's been resting comfortably the last week or two. Read some of his get-well letters in Dear Beano.

This month's Obstinate User Commentary is a complete quagmire, a wall of sound, a tone-deaf chorus of off-key, anonymous layabouts prattling on about...wait, sorry, that's the AOL burrito chat room. Our contributors are the best!

This Month in Foes of Cilantro directs you to a rogue Web site that denounces the crucial burrito additive as the “bane of flora’s existence.”

And our (epilogue) is probably just as useless as the last time you checked in.

Pull up a food.

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Brought to You by Negra Modelo

We hit a high plateau in the civic burritoplace midway through April, as a week's worth of taqueria visits - to El Burrito Express on Taraval, El Castillito on Church, and Gordo on 9th Ave. - strung together more mustaches than an 1890s law enforcement conference. A late spike toward month's end arrived courtesy of another sucker-punch from Taq. Express.

Otherwise, it was a fairly unceremonious 30-day block on the San Francisco taqueria tiles. Wayward, unwanted salad items did in a couple slabs, while counter-to-kitchen miscommunications hamstrung two others. These things happen, though we really wish they wouldn't have.

TAQ. LOS COYOTES (Mission), 4/2/06, Super Chicken Tinga: 7.83 Mustaches
This good-dancing / firm-handshaking burrito didn’t overwhelm our placard-wielding panel of prima donna supermodels.

DOS AMIGOS TAQ. (Civic Center / Tenderloin), 4/5/06, Super Spicy Chicken: 7.17 Mustaches
Cucumber. Buh.

PAPALOTE (Western Addition), 4/9/06, Super Chicken Molé: 7.50 Mustaches
Accidents happen, and as a result, so do 7.50-mustache ratings.

EL BURRITO EXPRESS (Outer Sunset), 4/11/06, Super Bronco Carnitas: 8.75 Mustaches
Plenty of mighty tasty, pull-apart-friendly pork helped make this the first of three consecutive mid-month >8.75-mustache efforts.

TAQ. EL CASTILLITO (Church) (Castro), 4/14/06, Super Pollo Asado: 8.92 Mustaches
A 20-bite tour de force.

GORDO TAQ. (Inner Sunset), 4/17/06, Super Carnitas: 8.92 Mustaches
This onetime Burritoeater scapegoat is suddenly on a tear.

TAQ. VALLARTA (Mission), 4/19/06, Super Pollo: 7.50 Mustaches
A trifecta of flubs with our order ensured this effort a sure spot on our 2006 All-Shoulder-Shrug squad.

TAQ. EL FAROLITO (Mission St.) (Mission), 4/21/06, Super Pollo: 7.92 Mustaches
Though not of champion quality, at least this went down more smoothly than that brains sandwich we had here late last year.

TAQ. GUADALAJARA (Excelsior), 4/23/06, Super Pollo Asado: 7.67 Mustaches
An otherwise capable foodblimp that found itself awash in suspect-tasting salsa.

TAQ. EXPRESS (Civic Center / Tenderloin), 4/27/06, Super Steak Ranchero: 8.58 Mustaches
A rich salsa roja enveloped modest clods of beef amidst scattered slices of green and red bell pepper. We liked that.

LA PALMA MEXICATESSEN (Mission), 4/29/06, Super Carnitas: 7.17 Mustaches
Lettuce. Buh.

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This Satirical Feature Presented by Pacifico

Given the long-winded nature of a few of the old man's retorts this time through, we'll pass on the usual introduction. Wouldn't want to lose our audience this early.

Mr. Cook awaits your e-mail at

Dear Beano: I wanted to upload my comments on your site, but couldn't find where to do it.
Dear Apocalypse reader: Aside from the golden few that successfully navigate our editors’ obstacle course for inclusion in our monthly Obstinate User Commentary feature (see below), we refer all would-be commentators to our friends at Everyone wins: the user enjoys that fuzzy feeling in the cockles that every red-blooded American gets from participating in an online community; Burritophile gains greater leverage in the fiercely fought realm of public taqueria commentary; and best of all, we continue to exist in a total vacuum, where we're most comfortable.

Dear Beano: A T-shirt with just your site's name and logo would be nice.
Dear Apocalypse reader: When our merch division returns from their most recent employment suspension (something about using our interoffice mail to ship flan from department to department), we'll get those clowns on it. Pre-stained shirts are on the drawing board.

Dear Beano: Burritos will kill you, man. I only eat tacos because I believe in their life-giving properties. I'm also looking for a place to live, so if you know of anything, let me know.
Dear Apocalypse reader: Rumor has it La Taqueria has a living space available above their storefront. Apparently, it's furnished and comes complete with a neon sign that blares, "The Best Apartment in the Whole World." Zagat touts its "cushy" "futon" "mattress" and "reliably" "hot" "shower." It even made the Chronicle's recent Top 100 City Flats list. Look into it.

Dear Beano: Just wondering why you haven't tooted your own horn about your appearance in the Chronicle Sunday Magazine last month. There doesn't seem to be any mention of it on your Web site.
Dear Apocalypse reader: Toot toot.

Dear Beano: What do you eat when you go camping?
Dear Apocalypse reader: I maintain a large cache of burritos in my garage freezer. It's sort of like a wine cellar, only for burritos. There's a variety of years represented from a bunch of taquerias. Several production regions are represented. Tio Alberto's (Central California Coast appellation) 1991 Carne Asada is a particularly robust vintage. Anyway, I drop one or two of these good-as-new relics into my backpack and let them thaw al fresco. Next thing I know, it's mealtime and I'm having to wrestle with the grizzlies, puma, and moose for hot bites by the campfire.

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Underwritten By a Generous Grant from the Dos Equis Foundation

Laughter, schlaughter. Does anyone remember obstinance?

Send your succinctly rambling screeds re: any and all things taqueria to Complimentary soap boxes for all.

(Comments may - nay, will likely - be edited for spelling, clarity, and/or brevity at our editorial board's discretion.)

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"As a longtime Precita Park resident, I fully support your enthusiasm for Taq. San Francisco. I would, however, like to see you give another shot to El Farolito on 24th St. For some reason, the burritos there seem to be a lot better at night than they are at lunch. Carnitas, chicken, and asada are all good, and although the pastor can be up and down, when it's on, oh man, is it on."

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"I've been checking out Taq. San Jose on Francisco and Mason, and have been pretty impressed. I've had the chicken adobe and the al pastor. Both were nice and spicy, and quite tasty. Their Achilles heel both times seemed to be unmelted cheese, but all in all, the places wails on El Gran Sodium Taco Barfhouse like nobody's business."

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"I was glad to see similar sentiments to my own about the burritos at Las Estrellas. I've lived in the neighborhood for years, and have eaten there twice. The second time I was desperate - and had forgotten how lame the damn things are."

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"La Salsa has a habañero salsa that taste more like applesauce than salsa."

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Proudly Sponsored by Corona (Several of Them)

Enmity. Wit. Maps. Pie charts. I Hate Cilantro Dot Com. Hrumph.

Actually, it's pretty rad.

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The Apocalypse will always be a Quinn Martin production. Because Kerry Egan likes it that way.

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Yours, in delicious horchata,