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Intestinal Apocalypse Weekly, March 5, 2004back to archive
One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, four to blargh:

- Super: 2003-04 SF Burrito Finals Recap
- Carne: Ham-Fisted Plea For Your Input
- Asada: A Word Of Gratitude (Just One)

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101 TAQUERIAS, 14 MONTHS, EIGHT PLAYOFF ENTRANTS, ONE CHAMPION, NO WRAPS
What The Hell Were We Thinking?


Folks, we got us a champion. And we bet it's not who you expected it to be. We're calling it an upset, so you should too. Keep a-readin'.

ONE FINAL TIME, FOR THAT JUGHEAD WHO STILL DOESN'T QUITE GET IT:
A total of 14 elements were examined during our time with a burrito. The first 13 elements were rated on a 0-5 mustache scale, with a maximum of two bonus mustaches allowed for intangibility. A burrito's Overall Mustache Rating (OMR) was determined by dividing the total number of mustaches awarded (variable) by the number of burrito elements (a constant 13). The burrito with the top finals OMR won the whole enchilada. So to speak.

The results of last week's finals, four burritos full:

** PAPALOTE MEXICAN GRILL ** (PMG)
Overall Mustache Rating For This Burrito --> 4.35
--> First visit of finals
Ratings By Category --> size: 2 tortilla: 3.5 steak: 5 rice: 4 beans: 4 cheese: 5 sour cream: 4 vegetables: 4.5 sauciness: 5 spiciness: 5 ingredient mix: 5 temperature: 5 burstage abatement: 4.5 (intangibles: 1)
24th St. nr. Valencia (Mission) 2/23/04
$6.14 - super carne asada
Comments: Rumors swirled that this burrito had been pre-fitted for a corset - unfounded rumors, to be sure, but it *was* mighty tiny around the waist; four bites in, it felt as if we were already halfway finished with it, but holy molé was it exceptional in nearly every other way - the usual beyond-delicious steak and epic guacamole, melted cheese, completely chooglin' sauciness, spice en masse, and hot bites top to bottom; despite its embarrassingly tiny dimensions, a solid first finals effort.

** TAQUERIA SAN FRANCISCO ** (TSF)
Overall Mustache Rating For This Burrito --> 4.46
--> First visit of finals
Ratings By Category --> size: 5 tortilla: 3 steak: 4 rice: 4 beans: 4 cheese: 5 sour cream: 4 vegetables: 4.5 sauciness: 4.5 spiciness: 5 ingredient mix: 5 temperature: 5 burstage abatement: 4.5 (intangibles: 0.5)
24th St. at York (Mission) 2/25/04
$5.35 - super carne asada
Comments: With the previous week's 4.69 monstrosity still firmly wedged in everyone's burrito memory bank, a few pundits predicted a runaway finals victory for Taqueria San Francisco, but this flawed gem reinforced the fact that these finals would be no civic toss-off; a particularly bizarre shortfall on the tortilla front - from the place with the most lovingly grilled tortillas in town, no less - would indeed ensure a close race 'til the finish, although at this halfway point TSF boasted a semi-consequential .11-mustache lead over PMG; those claiming that TSF's lack of consistent sauciness would be its own ruination come finals time were looking awfully duncey right about now; horchata!

** PAPALOTE MEXICAN GRILL ** (PMG)
Overall Mustache Rating For This Burrito --> 4.58
--> Second visit of finals
Ratings By Category --> size: 3 tortilla: 4 steak: 5 rice: 4 beans: 4 cheese: 5 sour cream: 4.5 vegetables: 5 sauciness: 5 spiciness: 4 ingredient mix: 5 temperature: 5 burstage abatement: 5 (intangibles: 1)
24th St. nr. Valencia (Mission) 2/27/04
$6.14 - super carne asada
Comments: With its back to the wall and a festering fear that TSF would haul off into the 24th St. sunset flaunting the championship plaque, Papalote's parting burrito performed with guts and aplomb as it secured not only the highest OMR of any Papalote burrito, but only the second 4.50+ OMR of the playoffs; after the previous effort's miniscule size, the staff humped on up to dimensional respectability - kudos; meanwhile, pretty much everything else was masterful (*seven* perfect ratings don't lie), and even their grilled tortilla tasted grilled for a change; when asked why Papalote's perpetually-off-the-meter-of-deliciousness carne asada is so damn tasty time and time again, the guy at the counter offered, "We get it from Montana every day"; well, here’s to Montana; and here's where the finals' tide turned -- Papalote came up clutch, then waited for TSF's final turn two days later.

** TAQUERIA SAN FRANCISCO ** (TSF)
Overall Mustache Rating For This Burrito --> 4.19
--> Second visit of finals
Ratings By Category --> size: 5 tortilla: 5 steak: 4 rice: 4 beans: 4 cheese: 5 sour cream: 3 vegetables: 5 sauciness: 2.5 spiciness: 5 ingredient mix: 3.5 temperature: 4 burstage abatement: 4 (intangibles: 0.5)
24th St. at York (Mission) 2/29/04
$5.35 - super carne asada
Comments: Needing no more than a very attainable 4.46 OMR for the title in light of Papalote's heroic call to arms two days prior, the Committee's openly acknowledged favorite face-planted for all to see while rounding third base, limping around the bend to the clanging tune of a 4.19 OMR and choking on its own ambition in the process; how exactly? well, a few un-hot bites and a set of ingredients presumably mixed under the direct supervision of a complete stooge weren't helping, but what really bounced this burrito's check all the way to the Bank of Bill Buckner was its paucity of saucy goodness – everyone agrees that 2.5-mustache ratings have absolutely no place on the tournament's final day, so yup, the dunces (see above) got it right in the end; hrumph, and congratulations to Papalote.

** Finals Results **
1 Papalote Mexican Grill: 4.47
2 Taqueria San Francisco: 4.33

Well, there you have it. 14 months of burrito research, analysis, and journalistic coverage condensed into two lines of text.

Next up: a complete survey of San Francisco purveyors of fondue.

Not really.

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ĦJIBBA JABBA!
John And Jane Q. Burrito: Speak!


We've been editorializing our asses off all winter about burritos, and now that the playoffs have run their course and the sun's come back out and Martha's heading straight for lockdown where she belongs, we figured the time's ripe to hear from IAW readers about their favorite burritos and what's so great about them. No need to fret if you don't live in San Francisco -- hell, one Chicago-based reader wrote us a few months back about how Windy City burritos have buffalo wings inside. Rad. So go silly: sfburritoeater@yahoo.com.

If we get some interesting and useful responses, we'll try to regurge them into some sort of sensical context. If the responses are 100% stupid or if nobody writes anything at all, that's still okay and everyone can just go suck it.

That address again: sfburritoeater@yahoo.com

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A WORD OF GRATITUDE
And That Word Is....


...thanks, for reading.

It was fun, filling, and fulfilling. See you at the salsa bar.

yours, in lard,
Beano