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Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly, August 2010back to archive

"I want a Bite. Chew. Mull.....

...and I want a Dear Beano....

...and an Obstinate Reader Commentary...and a -- "

"You'll get nothing but an (epilogue) and like it!"

Pull up a food, Spaulding.

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"The cavalcade of errors came faster than we could track: unmelted cheese, gravely unpleasant bean-sludge, a brutally arid interior, and an ingredient mix only a complete fool could appreciate."
--> Taq. Viva Zapata (since closed), 1/28/2005

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Taquerias, Technology, Alright

Our first full month of San Francisco taqueria-touring in quite a little while hit some impressive highs (Tacobar, Taq. La Michoacana) and some destitute lows (Taq. Gaby & Liz), with the usual-unusual twists and turns along the roller coaster route from Pacific Heights to Bayshore. Best of all, nobody's implicated us (yet) as the perpetrators of that ugly rice-laundering incident at La Taqueria, which resulted in seven burritos being permanently disfigured by what authorities are labeling a "hostile, at-large carboforce."

TAQ. PANCHO VILLA (Mission), 7/3/2010, Especial Carne Asada: 7.25 mustaches
When the only truly great thing about a burrito is its airtight construction, don't expect heavy mustaches. And where'd the annoying guy in this review come from? Get him out of here.

EL GRULLO JALISCO (Mission), 7/6/2010, Super al Pastor: 7.50 mustaches
Is this really a new truck? Or just a re-branding snowjob by the Tonayense posse? Someone better get cracking on an exposé.

TACOBAR (Pacific Heights), 7/9/2010, Especial Carnitas: 8.58 mustaches
This new joint delivered a terrific medley of ingredients, righteous intangibility, and the sort of density usually reserved for jean-jacketed stoners in the back of the classroom. Many elements marched in nine-mustache step. (Co-slab of the Month, July 2010.)

TAQ. DOS AMIGOS (South of Market), 7/13/2010, Super Chile Verde Pork: 8.08 mustaches
Early signs pointed toward total greatness here...but in the end we settled for partial greatness, or maybe just sharp goodness -- whatever 8.08 mustaches is.

LA PLACITA (Portola), 7/17/2010, Super Carnitas: 7.25 mustaches
Leakier than a liferaft full of clumsily knitting porcupines, La Placita's latest effort at distancing itself from its infamous two-mustache burrito seven years prior turned out limp-wristed in the end.

MEXICO AU PARC (South of Market), 7/22/2010, Super Cochinita Pibil Pork: 7.83 mustaches
So many elements here struck all the right aroma and flavor notes; still, a temperature DMZ of sorts scuttled Mexico au Parc's eight-mustache plans.

TAQ. GABY & LIZ (Potrero Hill), 7/27/2010, Super Pollo Asado: 5.92 mustaches
More parched than Libya in a dry year, this charmless abomination-in-foil hit the highest (lowest?) reaches of our panel's suckometer.

TAQ. LA MICHOACANA (Bayshore), 7/30/2010, Especial Chile Verde Pork: 8.58 mustaches
You couldn't touch this burrito's intangible deliciousness with an electric hedge trimmer. But why would you want to touch an 8.58-mustache burrito with a hedge trimmer in the first place? You're weird sometimes. (Co-slab of the Month, July 2010.)

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"The room itself is pleasant, but feels strangely ersatz-suburban Phoenix. The thatch-style ceiling and pyramid-shaped bench dividers, meanwhile, seem to speak to anyone aspiring to someday ride a hammock to Giza."
--> Tropisueño, 1/10/2009

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Another Month In Which the Phrase "Mild Soap Taste" Does Not Appear

Kindly contact our in-house taqueria sage, Beano Orenthal James Cook, with pressing issues regarding:
- San Francisco taquerias
- Recent court decisions involving clip-art mustache logo copyright infringement
- Facebook updates on Turlock High School's Class of 1931
- .38 Special-themed wraps

Kindly think twice before contacting Mr. Cook regarding:
- Grout or dryrot issues in your home
- Petitions to eliminate the overfishing of giant squid in Nova Scotia waters
- Recent David Hasselhoff sightings
- The health benefits of a diet based exclusively on edamame and homogenized milk

Get it? Got it. Good:

Dear Beano: Someone was saying the other day that the wrap is nothing more than an adult contemporary burrito. I'm inclined to agree.
Dear Apocalypse reader: Yeah, huh? I think I spotted a Hootie and the Blowfish Zero-Pepper Wrap on a seafood menu somewhere not too long ago.

Dear Beano: Any chance you guys would ever expand (or switch) to pizza? San Francisco's pizza scene is so much better than it used to be -- Little Star, Tony's Napoletana, Gialina....
Dear Apocalypse reader: Not a bad idea. We've already got the Great Mustache logo for it, and that giant ball of used foil down in Burritoeater Towers' lobby is probably big enough by this point.

Dear Beano: I like La Corneta in Glen Park a lot and was reading your reviews of burritos you've had there over the years. What's the deal with the one from last year where you stop and go to the Bahamas in the middle of the review? I don't get it.
Dear Apocalypse reader: I mean really. Do you know how many reviews we've published since 2003? (About 780. -Ed.) Can't my people take a vacation every now and again? Step aside before I get my guy down at United Slabworkers Local 151 on the horn.

Dear Beano: You might as well throw darts at a list of taquerias to come up with your rankings. I've got zero respect for your palate.
Dear Apocalypse reader: We actually tried using a dartboard to rank places on Burritoeater for a short while, but we kept on hitting Timmy from the mail room in the neck. One day he brought in one of those Velcro ball "dartboards" made for kids, but it was the gaming equivalent of eating a .38 Special White Meat Wrap. Anyway, you're right -- nobody in San Francisco has ever liked Gordo, El Burrito Express, Papalote, any of those places. Thanks for setting us straight on that.

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"Next time? No hapless mayo verde here for us."
--> Tonayense Taq., 6/22/2007

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One For the Bellyachers

Got a beef with our opinion of your favorite San Francisco burrito merchant?

Or are you too chicken to let us know?

Go ahead, pork out.

But leave the sesos out of it:

(Comments may be edited for spelling, clarity, and/or brevity at our editorial board's discretion. In fact, count on it.)

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"I see Fillmore Mexican Grill has become an Italian restaurant. It's about time. All that place did was lose."

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"I've been getting consistently outstanding breakfast burritos from Nick's Crispy Tacos."
What are you, the Nick's Crispy Tacos Whisperer? That place has never cracked the eight-mustache barrier for us. -Ed.

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"I had El Tesoro's breakfast burrito, and I agree with your review. There was nothing wrong with it -- good temp, greasy chorizo, lots of R&B -- but it didn't sing. Ah, the ephemeral nature of the foil-wrapped dirigible."

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Please forward freely, yet responsibly.

Newsletter subscription addition/removal requests, questions, comments, and/or anecdotes always welcome:

Kindly direct news of taqueria openings, closures, or name-changes here:

Now for this month's hidden bonus track.

If you're expecting a September edition of Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly, that's not too swift and you should quit right now. There won't be one. October? Much more likely.

The Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly,, and The Great Mustache logo are brought to you by The Exploding Head Trick Publishing Co.

Yours, in delicious horchata,