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Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly, June 2009back to archive

Bite. Chew. Mull. in C minor, Op. 68. Potrero Philharmonic. Hugh Jass, conductor.

Dear Beano: Beano Cook, solo work, multiple instruments (voice, washboard, electric triangle, megaphone). In D minor, Op. 114. Recorded live at Taq. El Castillito on Duboce, juicer sporadically running behind the counter.

Obstinate Reader Commentary in A major, Op. 54. Three anonymous contributors. Classic(al)!!!!!!1!!!

(epilogue): Mostly the same as it ever was, with one or two minor modifications for the die-hards.

Pull up a food.

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Surely you caught our recent foray into the San Francisco public radio dunk tank? In the event you had something else going on that evening, our May 28 appearance on KALW's daily news magazine "Crosscurrents" is archived here for all to hear.

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Concern grows daily around Burritoeater Towers, as one of our new favorite burrito purveyors has suddenly gone missing. Have you spotted Goza-Goza Taco's truck lately? It was last seen in late May along Townsend near 5th St. in South of Market; prior sightings occurred in the Mission (around Harrison and 25th St.) and Bayshore (at the corner of Oakdale and Quint). Come on, people. This is an issue.

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More Serious Tomfoolery In The Burritoplace

May offered its share of major successes: Andalé, the mall foodcourt joint we hate to love; ever-tuneful Mariachi's on Valencia; and most mustachioed of all, big Bayview heavy La Laguna. Lesser, but still notable foiled meals occurred next door to Maya at Maya (Next Door), Gordo on Geary, and Guadalajara on 24th St. And as expected, Fire House Cafe's kitchen in the Financial District reverted back to cluelessness.

LA LAGUNA TAQ. (Bayview), 5/1/2009, Super Pollo a la Plancha: 9.00 mustaches
There's really no better way to begin a month than with a nine-mustache burrito for lunch. Slab of the Month, May 2009.

MARIACHI'S (Mission), 5/5/2009, Super Chile Verde Pork: 8.33 mustaches
All we could really find fault with at Mariachi's on Corona Marketing Blitz Day '09 was moderately mushy brown rice, overly peripheral spiciness, and a continually occupied restroom.

EL TESORO (O'Farrell) (Civic Center / Tenderloin), 5/9/2009, Super Breakfast (Jamon): 7.67 mustaches
Everyone in town knows by now that Softness + Oversauciness --> Creeping gloop.

TAQ. GUADALAJARA (Mission), 5/17/2009, Super Pollo Asado: 8.00 mustaches
Sometimes on 24th St.'s Slab Row, eight mustaches aren't enough.

FIRE HOUSE CAFE (Financial District), 5/21/2009, Carnitas: 6.83 mustaches
Where were you when Fire House Cafe's Overall Mustache Rating (OMR) came crashing back down to Earth? Sadly for us, we were at Fire House Cafe.

GORDO TAQ. (Geary) (Outer Richmond), 5/24/2009, Super Grilled Chicken: 8.00 mustaches
Short on intangible charm, this foiled lunch from San Francisco's comparatively laggard Gordo shop nonetheless wormed its way into our critical promised land, somehow.

MAYA (NEXT DOOR) (South of Market), 5/26/2009, Pork al Pastor: 8.25 mustaches
We got lazy and farmed out this review to promising youth food writer April M. at Lawton Alternative Elementary in the Sunset. "They said the beans were 'pretty tasty' and 'reasonably glurgy" (that's what the notes they gave me say anyway, although I dont' know what 'glurgy' means yet...maybe next year in sixth grade I'll learn."

ANDALÉ (Union Square), 5/29/2009, Supremo Carne Asada: 8.50 mustaches
Swashbuckling flavor! Choogling spice! Shoppers! Must be Andalé again.

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Temper Tries To Take 5, Ends Up Taking 3.86

Our grouch of a taqueria sage pursues a new tack this month: submissive avoidance of confrontation. Frankly, we think it rivals watching paint dry for intrigue, but if the old bean wants to try to learn how to get along and play with others at this late date, who are we to deprive him of a chance to finally get dull and mellow out?

Get under Mr. Cook's skin at

Dear Beano: You should start an enchilada blog next.
Dear Apocalypse reader: OK. Thanks for your earnest note.

Dear Beano: Have you stopped to consider that rating burritos in mustaches kills your credibility? Also, my husband has a mustache and I think he looks great with it.
Dear Apocalypse reader: That's nice. I haven't stopped to consider that, no.

Dear Beano: Why use the word "slab" for something that is not a slab? It bugs me.
Dear Apocalypse reader: Uh, if you have to ask...

Dear Beano: Have you discovered what the gateway burrito is yet, or what it might be a gateway to?
Dear Apocalypse reader: Are you implying that burritos should be illegal for their addictive properties? Because if you are...OK, sorry, that's a touchy subject around Burritoeater Towers lately with all these DEA/taqueria rumors swirling. First it's medical marijuana; now they're coming after burritos. (Pregnant pause.) No, I haven't discovered what the gateway burrito is, but I would imagine that it would be a gateway to...more burritos? Napkins? Horchata?

Dear Beano: Taquerias are for low-rent losers. What do you eat when you're not having a burrito? Campbell's soup? Old bags of Purina? Ha!
Dear Apocalypse reader: SNAP! Dog food? Dog food?! Do you live on a hill and take a limo to work? Or just to see long-past-prime bands at sports arenas? Am I interrupting your Vegas baccarat bacchanalia this weekend? Next time I chow five-star style with Michael Mina or Gary Danko, I'll be sure to stop by your personal table and say "hello" with a hot can of Alpo to dump on your plate.

Next month: Back to Mr. Cook's regularly scheduled cantankerousness.

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Burritos That Go Wump!, Etc. Etc.

This month: More good words for recently vanished Goza-Goza Taco; the violent collapse of a Haight St. meal; and, a potential trip to Brisbane (California, not Australia).

Next month: You tell us, at

(Comments may be edited for spelling, clarity, and/or brevity at our editorial staff's discretion. In fact, count on it.)

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"Goza-Goza Taco is champ, man. Next time you go, ask for chicken and al pastor in the burrito. It's pretty awesome. (Some other spots I sometimes ask for chicken and chorizo -- that's also a banging combo.) Sometimes Goza-Goza will grill your steez for you, too...makes it ridiculously better. The lady there tends to be a little more accommodating than the older Cuban guy. He's nice, but if there's a line he's just trying to bang orders out."

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"The other night I labored through an exploding burrito at Zona Rosa, and ended up having to go the humiliating knife-and-fork route for the latter half of the slab. Apparently one of the folded seams along the low side of the tortilla gave way, and it was like a dam burst onto the wax paper lining the plastic basket. It sort of made a wump! sound, even. Never had that happen before, with such force no less. It was like the floor of the burrito gave way."

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"I have been a sporadic reader of Burritoeater for some time and recently moved down to Brisbane. We despair at the state of the eateries around here...except for Melissa's Taq. As a long-time Gordo fan (I visited it a lot when I was pregnant), I can tell you it's not a bad little shop. In fact, it'll probably give most SF burritos a run for their money. Just cut to the chase and get the super carnitas -- you will be psyched you did."
(Sure thing -- although this will have to be an off-the-record visit for our panel, since it's outside San Francisco city/county limits. Can't set a precedent for a policy we're unable to honor, or else next thing we know we'll be schlepping to Rohnert Park to check a place out. -Ed.)

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Yours, in delicious horchata,