the Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly Apparel Bazaar

Intestinal Apocalypse Weekly, January 12, 2004back to archive
Another week of blarghage:

- Results!: 1/6 - 1/10
- Playoff Field Set!: Seeding, Odds, Complete Schedule
- Playoff First Round Schedule!: 1/14 - 1/18
- Spaulding!
- 3rd Bass Hit!: 2003-04 Gas Face Awards
- Readers Speak!: Letters To The Apocalypse

<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>

Revisits Complete, Playoffs Imminent

The final week of pre-playoff revisits drew to a close with taste tests at Fisherman's Wharf fairly lukewarm-spot La Casona Grill, cozy Cuco's in Lower Haight, and North Beach-adjacent construction site Taq. El Gran Taco (home of The Great Taco). Results:

--> 3.5 mustaches <--
Beach nr. Taylor
$6.05 - super steak grilled
Comments: Characterized simply as "shitty" by someone who'd eaten at La Casona's former Noe Valley location a few times, low expectations hovered like turgid clouds over the Committee's surprisingly digestible visit to this taqueria's sole remaining location in town, near Fisherman's Wharf; pasty refried beans, massive heft, perfectly melted cheese, and a delicious salsa/guac/veggie jumble were the positive hallmarks of this exceptionally built burrito, and thankfully there weren't any crustaceans in sight to sully the occasion; on the flipside, the La Casona staff seems to eschew the addition of any spice to their food-work, ostensibly due to all the whitebread visitors littering this region of San Francisco – a bummer, but a reasonable bummer; generous amounts of the well-grilled steak exposed the meat's un-noteworthy flavor...such a fine line dividing mediocrity and distinction with carne asada these days; two-thirds of the way in, the mix began to suffer somewhat, taking with it the promise of a hot-bite sweep; and what was with that stray corn kernel, anyway?; a greasy hind end and an overly beany coda sealed its fate in 3.5-mustache middletown – burrito purgatory by any other name.

--> 4 mustaches <--
Haight nr. Fillmore
$4.50 - super carne asada
Comments: There was more than enough right with this burrito to earn its place far beyond mere recommendability, yet there was just enough wrong to prevent it from scoring a playoff spot; outstanding elements first: light, flavorful rice...Cuco's patented hot bite after another; then, the good: capable steak...refried beans that knew their spot in the batting order...fine sizing...much chopped onion...a bitchin ingredient mix; lastly, the few hindrances: a thin, slightly chewy tortilla that didn't provide an assuring pocket (overflow was always a concern)...a minor over-reliance on sour cream...that's it, really; furthermore, there's going to be some explaining to do at some point about that Chipmunks album blaring from the Cuco's kitchen.

--> 4 mustaches <--
Broadway nr. Kearny
$5.50 - super carne asada
Comments: Accusations of this North Beach spot's food/service quality having sailed "down the shitter" in a recent letter to the Apocalypse were fortunately unfounded this past weekend, although it's likely Taq. El Gran Taco's new owners/managers didn't know their steamer from their cleaver (so to speak) upon initially taking over in early December; without any exaggeration, it may have been the largest all-around burrito of the entire tour – insert jokey big-size comment here; thin tortilla seemed in over its head trying to contain the ingredient poundage, spawning a few burstage/drippage issues; and the burrito and its foil wrap nearly became one at the hind end; anyway, terrific Spanish and refried beans, and the cheese became melted over time; near-perfect sauciness and spiciness...saying "make it real spicy" upon ordering never hurts; amazingly, shredded lettuce not a hindrance here – too hidden in the mix, where it belongs; nice version of "Private Dancer" en Español on the horn as we ate; onions!

<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>

List Of SF Burrito Tour's Finest Released; Knee-jerk Backlash Responses Forthcoming

Without any further ado, here's the long-awaited list of the eight super carne asadas scoring the elusive, rarefied 4.5-mustache rating. Each thus earns not only an automatic playoff berth, but also much-sought credibility amongst all super carne asada burrito-discriminant San Franciscans. Arranged in order of seeding (locations in parentheses):

1: Taq. San Francisco (Mission: 24th St. at York)
2: Taq. El Tonayense (Mission: 24th St. at Shotwell; three trucks along Harrison in Mission)
3: El Castillito (Duboce Triangle: Church btwn. Duboce and 14th St.; three other locations in Mission, Castro, and Tenderloin)
4: Aguila De Oro (Bayview: 3rd St. nr. Thomas)
5: Taq. Fiesta Taco (Tenderloin: Golden Gate btwn. Leavenworth/Hyde)
6: Chavo's (South Of Market: Bryant at 4th St.)
7: Papalote (Mission: 24th St. nr. Valencia)
8: Luna Azul (South Of Market: Mission at 4th St. - inside Metreon)

For those who prefer to "augment" their eating and reading habits – not to mention their total outstanding debt – with a wager or three, we shamefully present gaming odds for the 2003-04 San Francisco Burrito Championships, cobbled together last-minute in a clueless stupor for your gambling shitisfaction:

Taq. San Francisco (5-4)
Taq. El Tonayense (4-3)
El Castillito (3-2)
Aguila De Oro (3-1)
Taq. Fiesta Taco (4-1)
Chavo's (7-1)
Papalote (8-1)
Luna Azul (11-1)

Thanks to Alex "The Lithuanian" Henning for providing guidance from his fledgling Fat Spliff Grill paddlewheeler casino anchored in the Mississippi muddy.

Complete round-by-round playoff schedule:

Quarterfinals: W 1/14 - F 1/30
Semifinals: Tu 2/3 - Th 2/19
Finals: M 2/23 - Su 2/29
Champion crowned: Su 2/29
Colonostomy: M 3/1

<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>

Playoff Hoohaw Set To Begin At Long Last

Opening ceremonies to be held at 16th and Valencia, near that sidewalk vendor guy who always has six copies of Ratt's first album for sale on cassette. "Torch" to be lit by whomever we can scam a match or lighter off. Red House Painters' deconstruction of "The Star-Spangled Banner" to provide aural accompaniment.

This week's proposed schedule:

W 1/14 evening: Taq. Fiesta Taco (Tenderloin: Golden Gate btwn. Leavenworth/Hyde)
F 1/16 evening: El Castillito (Duboce Triangle: Church btwn. Duboce and 14th St.)
Su 1/18 afternoon: Aguila De Oro (Bayview: 3rd St. nr. Thomas), or perhaps Papalote (Mission: 24th St. nr. Valencia), or maybe Taq. San Francisco (Mission: 24th St. at York)

Bring a bag of hot sesos and your slingshot. See you there.

<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>


The latest edition in an ongoing series of meaningless sentences.

<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>

Letters to the Apocalypse

Mailbag's a bit lighter this time around following last week's outpouring of public assent/dissent. Someone raises the useful query of what elements we look at in a burrito – important to know. Gouge away, people:

Dear Committee: "What the hell's going on here, anyway?"
The Committee raises one eyebrow: Burritos are going on. Burritos are occurring. Delicious super carne asada burritos. With guacamole.

Dear Committee: "What are the categories you look at when rating a burrito, o mister professor of GAStronomics?"
The Committee brightens: A total of 14 elements are examined during our time with a burrito. They are:
1: size
2: tortilla
3: steak
4: rice
5: beans
6: cheese
7: sour cream
8: vegetables (pico de gallo, guacamole, onions, cilantro, beets, etc. etc.)
9: sauciness
10: spiciness
11: ingredient mix
12: temperature
13: burstage abatement
14: intangibles
The first 13 elements are rated on a 0-5 mustache scale. A maximum of two bonus mustaches are allowed for intangibility. More details as we advance through the playoffs over the next several weeks.

Dear Committee: "Pump cheese?! I'm gonna go drive around and yell that at motorists. Just roll down my window and shout 'PUMP CHEESE!!' at all the jerks."
The Committee displays interest: Highly approvable behavior. Let us know when you're heading out, we'll join you.

Dear Committee: "Simply awesome."
The Committee approves: Thank you. Clearly, you have not just emerged from having a burrito at Cactus Fresh or El Miramar.

<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>

HEY! CHEGGIT --> Complete SF Burrito Tour results forthcoming, hopefully by this coming Wed. the 14th. We're cranking away during this brief break in the action, we assure you. In the meantime, why not enjoy a Pimm's?

As usual, mad props (or "many thanks," as they say down in Palo Alto) to everyone disseminating these newsletters to family, friends, foes.

Questions, comments, anecdotes, list addition/removal requests always welcome and encouraged:

yours, in lard,